Julie Lite

"No, I've always mostly liked you. I just didn't like that 50 lbs of you."

No translation

idea: words that don't get translated.

why is that funny? they don't need, or use, or want certain words in certain languages. or, there's no way to communicate a certain idea to a foreigner.

examples:

supervision - no Spanish equivalent. why not?

The root of all evil

Actually, estrogen is the root of all evil.

Why affairs are awesome

When you're someone's wife, you have to be beautiful, skinny, funny, smart, sexy, sweet, sensitive, a good housekeeper, a good cook, always in a good mood....

when you're someone's mistress, all you have to be is not their wife.

Sun Chips

Sun Chips now come in some "compostable" bag, that's so freaking crinkly and annoying.

I don't know who decided that just because I like Sun Chips that I give a shit about saving the planet.

female facial hair

my facial hair has split ends. wtf do I do now?

For MB/MJ joke: rock out with your socks off.

Red-headed step child

My mom remarried when I was 5.

So, I've been a read-headed step child since 1988. Legally.

Making home videos always makes me nervous that my son is going to be killed by a drunk driver

New subway sandwich: chicken, apples, cranberries, and 8 g of fat.

Like the fat is in one of those plastic serving containers next to the cranberries.

Can I get that with extra fat?

Eye contact

Hey, you. yeah, you.

If you're going to stare, stare at these.

This is the best thing i've got going on right now.

Bras

Why is it, when you have small boobs, it's fun to shop for a bra, but when you have large boobs, it's this terrible, time-consuming, heart-wrenching experience?

Bras as accessories (for small boobs) are so cute. Like, AA-B cups.

They're different colors, with lace and all that crap.

Bras that are FUNCTIONAL, as in, there will be an incident if I do not wear a bra, are ugly.

If I don't wear a bra...

They're all beige or white or black. And, they're kept in boxes.

Girls with big boobs know what I'm talking about.

You see a cute bra, you say, "aww, that's cute..."

what's the next thing out of your mouth?

"...and, it would cover my nipple. Next."

when I finally find one with a tag that says it's the right size, it's not over.

Somehow, most bras have this power to take nice, round boobs, and fashion them into torpedos. No thank you.

I HATE fitting rooms...3 mirrors...holy hell.

So now I just make my son put a cup on his head. If it fits, I buy it.

Cookies?? No, burrito!

I tried using the Chipotle app the other day, but I got a message that my browser does not support cookies.

I was like, "I don't care about cookies, I just want a delicious burrito!"

Black Wii

Guys everywhere are wishing they had a black Wii.

And so are their girlfriends.

They made an Asian Wii, it fits in your pocket.

Pursuing Comedy

I've actually wanted to be a comic for a long time. I decided about 7 years ago that I would try it.

Then, I met my husband, crushed all my hopes and dreams...you know how that goes.

But then I left my husband, and here I am!

"I like this" on facebook

how lazy are we? on facebook you don't even have to type "I like this!" it's a one-click thing. And, it's very non-committal. If someone posts "We are getting keys to our new place in 2 weeks, who can help us move?" click "I like this" to show your support without actually volunteering to help.

actors in antidepressant commercials

why do they need actors to portray people sitting there, looking depressed?

How NOT to use a dating site

on dating sites, viewing profiles of people who have viewed you

seems like a great idea at first. but think it about it for 5 more seconds: these people viewed you, and didn't do anything. they don't like you. don't embarrass yourself.

Telling men (husbands) things

a man's head is like a woman's egg, the things we say are like sperm. most can't get in. they struggle desperately. when one finally makes it in, all the others die.

Massengill commercials

SO uncomfortable to watch

why does she make it all romantic and sexy? she's freaking douching.

I know what's going on in that upstairs bathroom.

hmmmm...I have a nice evening all to myself, what to do, what to do? I think I'll run through this field in my flowing gown, twirl around a bit, then head upstairs and flood my vagina with vinegar.

Comedy is a world of lies

To be successful in comedy, you must build a world of lies

this is why men tend to be more successful

part of intro - not many women in comedy. finally figured out why.

My incredible phone

I just got a new cellphone.

It's really cool, but it has a crappy name. It's called the "htc incredible."

I don't like telling people about it, because then I sound like a douche. (it's pretty tough for a girl to sound like a douche, btw. that's totally a guy thing. I wonder why? Maybe I'll start the "Girls are douches too" movement. because some of them are.)

If someone asks what kind of phone you have, do you really want to say, "I have an incredible phone."?

No.

It's more like, what kind of phone is that? (mumble) it's an incredible phone.

I had to get a new phone because my last one just didn't "get" me.

I would send texts, and that predictive thing, spellcheck would kick in.

sometimes, it would really impress me. I could type "wirj" and it knew I meant "work."

I could type "sprkk" and it knew I meant "spell."

I had an iphone, it was pretty cool. but it didn't "get" me. It had pretty good spell checking...like, if I messed up and typed "wirj" and then changed it to "work" it new I wanted to type "work" from then on.

But, whenever I meant to type "for" I would type f-i-r, and I'd always have to change it. After like the 2nd time, I was just like "I am not a lumberjack! I am never going to type a text about a fir! Freaking change it to for!"

So, I got a new phone.

Facebook

Today, I crossed a line.

I talked about Farmville, that game on facebook.

I actually verbalized things about the game.

one of my friends said she hadn't played in a while. THAT'S ok to talk about.

But then I blurted out - "Yeah, I saw your withered crops! And no, I didn't unwither them for you! You can't have my unwither!"

why does it feel so weird to talk about this game? do other people feel this?

TSA blog

I learned recently that the TSA has a blog.

The TSA is the Transportation Security Administration - the ones who handle all the security at airports. You know, make you take your shoes off...put all your stuff through the x-ray machine...make sure you've got a little baggy for any liquids you're taking.

Yeah - that organization has a BLOG.

Does this bother anybody else?

If they have time to blog, there must not be much of a security threat.

What the hell do they blog about, anyway?

"Today I made 50 passengers throw away unauthorized liquids LOL."

I don't know what their blog says, I don't read it. Know who reads it? Terrorists.

Helicopter plumbers

Have you guys been hearing the radio commercials for "helicopter plumbers"?

Yeah, sounds cool. I think that's going to go over real well... until they get their first customer.

Because I don't know...I don't have a landing pad at my house!

sometimes people just don't think things through...

(lead in to designate a sober driver/shake a baby)

Bitchy

Man, I've been bitchy lately. It's weird, I'm not used to it.

But, it's kind of nice. I usually hold everything in, I don't like to be rude or anything like that.

The people who've been getting the worst of it have been homeless people. Oh wait - the shelter impaired. Whatever.

When I'm in a bitchy mood, the thing that sets me off is people on the side of the road... with their signs.

Normally I just ignore them.

But not when I'm bitchy.

When I see someone with a sign that says "Anything will help." I roll up, I stop. I don't even care if the light is green.

I roll down my window and say, "Oh, anything will help? How about these guest passes to the gym? Want 'em? I'm not using them. How about a gift card to game stop? Want to buy a game for your cardboard box 360?"

and then I drive away.

who monitors US birth rates?

CDC (Centers for Disease control)

makes sense. pregnancy is a hell of a disease.

I got a killer STD. his name is Andrew.

Politically correct calendars

I don't like how you have to be all nervous about saying "Merry Christmas," because you don't know if someone celebrates some other holiday, and will be offended.

I don't even say "Happy New Year" anymore...'cause I don't know if someone uses the Julian calendar while my insensitive ass goes by the Gregorian calendar.

Gregorian calendar, adopted by England and its colonies after Washington was born, his birth date was February 22, 1732. (The Julian calendar has him born on February 11.)

Vaccines/autism

I just got my dog vaccinated! the good news is he won't get rabies. the bad news is I think he might have autism.

Or

I got a citation the other day, because my dog doesn't have a rabies tag. That's not fair. I shouldn't have to get my dog vaccinated for rabies - I don't want him to get autism!

Popped Cherry/funny boss

My best friend and I like to have a game night every week...play board games, keep it old school...it's a lot of fun.
Well last week I had to bring my son with me, he's 4, so we had to think of a game that he could play too. My friend suggested a game, she said "Oh, I know a good game...what's it called? It's like for counting, kids really like it...'Who Popped My Cherry?"
I was like, "WHAT?!? Do you mean "Hi Ho Cheerio"?
Where do you buy your board games, Meghan?
Does that come in a bundle with Poop Chutes & Ladders and Connect 4-Play?

My son isn't coming over anymore.

But my friend, she's silly like that, she kind of mixes up phrases and stuff.
And, my boss is actually the same way, it's kind of weird.

Like, once she said "Let's not beat down the bushes."
I THINK that means "don't beat around the bush," but I can never be sure with her.

And I swear, the other day, she told me "We don't want to let the worms out of the can."
uhhh...ok. I'll make sure not to do that...even though I don't know what means.

Well, I decided to introduce my boss and my friend - you know, "popped my cherry" friend (oh, that came out wrong)...well, I took my friend to our company picnic, introduced them...I was like "Go, have a....language summit."

And they've actually hit it off. They're hanging out and stuff now. They're just like two peas in a bunch.

Voting

I'm not into politics. They're just so pushy...and they can be offensive with their ads and stuff. Like the other day, I saw a campaign sign that said "Vote, Gaylord."

Sober driver/shake a baby

There's a new campaign out, aimed at us drinkers. You've probably seen the older one: Designate a Driver. Well, they've updated it. Now, it's "Designate a Sober Driver."

Really?

Were the people who actually took the time to designate a driver NOT taking that extra step to make sure the driver they chose was sober?

That logic is kind of crazy, you know, where they have to specify that the driver be sober.

But I'm starting to see it in other places, too.

Like at my son's preschool, there's a sticker that says: "Never shake a baby. Ever."

Do you think the first sticker said "Don't shake your baby."

So someone gave their baby to someone else to shake. and the sticker company was like "Dammit! Now we have to re-make the sticker!"

So they came up with "Don't shake A baby."

Was someone like, "'Don't shake a baby"...Oh, it's probably ok to do it once or twice."

So now they're at "Never shake a baby. Ever."

But you know what? it won't be long before some asshole comes along, reads the sticker and says "I'm gonna' shake TWO babies."

Iced Tea

On a lighter note, did you know that no one actually likes iced tea?

Iced tea is just a conduit - an excuse - to taste flavors you actually like. SUGAR...Mango...lemon...strawberry kiwi.

And if you disagree, that's fine. You're wrong, but that's fine.

And at the very least, anytime you drink iced tea, or see someone else drinking it, you'll think of me, Julie Walker.

3 year-old shooting

I lived in Stockton for a while...it's such a crappy city.

I heard that a little three year-old there who shot himself. How CRAPPY is your city, that you have toddlers committing suicide?

Whenever the media gets a hold of something like this, they try to turn it into a gun safety issue. But it's not. It's a fucking Idiot Parent issue. How hard is it to keep a gun away from a 3 year-old? Just, put it...up here. You can even load it if you want. If your kid's reach is here, then put your gun - here.

Secret Service

The Secret Service is recruiting. In Sacramento. over the radio.

Does Obama know?

Have you heard the ad? It's like "Do you look good in black sunglasses? Do you own a black blazer? Can you hold you hand up to your ear?

How do they decide where to do their recruiting? Is Sacramento really secretive or something?

ehhh....weak.

Sorry, pandas

Did you know that there's a bamboo shortage in China?
what? you don't know that?
well, there is. And pandas are dying off because they eat bamboo, and there's not enough for them.

last week my mom got a chair mat for her office, you know, so her rolly chair can glide on the carpet? well, it's made of bamboo.
that's kind of fucked up, isn't it?

sorry, pandas.

sorry you're starving, but my mom doesn't want wheel marks on her carpet.

but you know what, pandas? how about you try not being so picky? you live in CHINA for God's sake, and Chinese food is freaking awesome.

Your buddy over at Panda Express looks like he's doing alright...

Bathrooms

Am I the only one who doesn't have time for the air hand-dryer? Or realizes that I can just wave my hands while I walk out?

Going to the bathroom at work is bad, too. You can't make ANY noise - those people know you. I bring decoy shoes if I know I'm going to have a bad time in there.

don't you feel like everyone is against you when you have to go #2 at work? you go in, and it's quiet, no one's there. but as soon as you get started, people start coming in. You're like, 'it's ok, I can hold it for a minute.' but then they take FOREVER. maybe they're waiting for YOU to leave...I don't know. but then they get out of the stall, you're like "thank God!" then they wash their hands for like 12 minutes, while every one of your muscles is clinched. Then they decide to wipe down the counter..that's nice. then brush their teeth. then re-grout the sink...and of course THEY use the freaking air dryer, cause THEY have all the time in the world!

Hopefully you're laughing, because that means I'm not the only person who goes through this...

Mobile mammograms

I heard on the radio that Kaiser started this new program, to help prevent cancer - mobile mammograms. It's this bus that goes around so women can get their mammograms more easily. I call it "feels on wheels."
I don't think I'd really like to do that thought, it'd be kind of weird, like getting felt up in a parking lot, which I can totally do without paying a co-pay.