Sunday, May 30, 2010

Eye contact

Hey, you. yeah, you.
If you're going to stare, stare at these.
This is the best thing i've got going on right now.


Why is it, when you have small boobs, it's fun to shop for a bra, but when you have large boobs, it's this terrible, time-consuming, heart-wrenching experience?
Bras as accessories (for small boobs) are so cute. Like, AA-B cups.
They're different colors, with lace and all that crap.
Bras that are FUNCTIONAL, as in, there will be an incident if I do not wear a bra, are ugly.
If I don't wear a bra...
They're all beige or white or black. And, they're kept in boxes.
Girls with big boobs know what I'm talking about.
You see a cute bra, you say, "aww, that's cute..."
what's the next thing out of your mouth?
"...and, it would cover my nipple. Next."

when I finally find one with a tag that says it's the right size, it's not over.
Somehow, most bras have this power to take nice, round boobs, and fashion them into torpedos. No thank you.

I HATE fitting rooms...3 mirrors...holy hell.
So now I just make my son put a cup on his head. If it fits, I buy it.

Cookies?? No, burrito!

I tried using the Chipotle app the other day, but I got a message that my browser does not support cookies.
I was like, "I don't care about cookies, I just want a delicious burrito!"

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Black Wii

Guys everywhere are wishing they had a black Wii.
And so are their girlfriends.

They made an Asian Wii, it fits in your pocket.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Pursuing Comedy

I've actually wanted to be a comic for a long time. I decided about 7 years ago that I would try it.
Then, I met my husband, crushed all my hopes and know how that goes.
But then I left my husband, and here I am!

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

"I like this" on facebook

how lazy are we? on facebook you don't even have to type "I like this!" it's a one-click thing. And, it's very non-committal. If someone posts "We are getting keys to our new place in 2 weeks, who can help us move?" click "I like this" to show your support without actually volunteering to help.

actors in antidepressant commercials

why do they need actors to portray people sitting there, looking depressed?

How NOT to use a dating site

on dating sites, viewing profiles of people who have viewed you
seems like a great idea at first. but think it about it for 5 more seconds: these people viewed you, and didn't do anything. they don't like you. don't embarrass yourself.

Telling men (husbands) things

a man's head is like a woman's egg, the things we say are like sperm. most can't get in. they struggle desperately. when one finally makes it in, all the others die.

Massengill commercials

SO uncomfortable to watch
why does she make it all romantic and sexy? she's freaking douching.
I know what's going on in that upstairs bathroom.
hmmmm...I have a nice evening all to myself, what to do, what to do? I think I'll run through this field in my flowing gown, twirl around a bit, then head upstairs and flood my vagina with vinegar.

Comedy is a world of lies

To be successful in comedy, you must build a world of lies
this is why men tend to be more successful

part of intro - not many women in comedy. finally figured out why.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

My incredible phone

I just got a new cellphone.
It's really cool, but it has a crappy name. It's called the "htc incredible."
I don't like telling people about it, because then I sound like a douche. (it's pretty tough for a girl to sound like a douche, btw. that's totally a guy thing. I wonder why? Maybe I'll start the "Girls are douches too" movement. because some of them are.)
If someone asks what kind of phone you have, do you really want to say, "I have an incredible phone."?
It's more like, what kind of phone is that? (mumble) it's an incredible phone.

I had to get a new phone because my last one just didn't "get" me.
I would send texts, and that predictive thing, spellcheck would kick in.
sometimes, it would really impress me. I could type "wirj" and it knew I meant "work."
I could type "sprkk" and it knew I meant "spell."

I had an iphone, it was pretty cool. but it didn't "get" me. It had pretty good spell, if I messed up and typed "wirj" and then changed it to "work" it new I wanted to type "work" from then on.

But, whenever I meant to type "for" I would type f-i-r, and I'd always have to change it. After like the 2nd time, I was just like "I am not a lumberjack! I am never going to type a text about a fir! Freaking change it to for!"

So, I got a new phone.

Friday, May 14, 2010


Today, I crossed a line.
I talked about Farmville, that game on facebook.
I actually verbalized things about the game.
one of my friends said she hadn't played in a while. THAT'S ok to talk about.
But then I blurted out - "Yeah, I saw your withered crops! And no, I didn't unwither them for you! You can't have my unwither!"

why does it feel so weird to talk about this game? do other people feel this?

TSA blog

I learned recently that the TSA has a blog.
The TSA is the Transportation Security Administration - the ones who handle all the security at airports. You know, make you take your shoes off...put all your stuff through the x-ray machine...make sure you've got a little baggy for any liquids you're taking.
Yeah - that organization has a BLOG.
Does this bother anybody else?
If they have time to blog, there must not be much of a security threat.
What the hell do they blog about, anyway?
"Today I made 50 passengers throw away unauthorized liquids LOL."
I don't know what their blog says, I don't read it. Know who reads it? Terrorists.

Helicopter plumbers

Have you guys been hearing the radio commercials for "helicopter plumbers"?
Yeah, sounds cool. I think that's going to go over real well... until they get their first customer.
Because I don't know...I don't have a landing pad at my house!
sometimes people just don't think things through...
(lead in to designate a sober driver/shake a baby)


Man, I've been bitchy lately. It's weird, I'm not used to it.
But, it's kind of nice. I usually hold everything in, I don't like to be rude or anything like that.
The people who've been getting the worst of it have been homeless people. Oh wait - the shelter impaired. Whatever.
When I'm in a bitchy mood, the thing that sets me off is people on the side of the road... with their signs.
Normally I just ignore them.
But not when I'm bitchy.
When I see someone with a sign that says "Anything will help." I roll up, I stop. I don't even care if the light is green.
I roll down my window and say, "Oh, anything will help? How about these guest passes to the gym? Want 'em? I'm not using them. How about a gift card to game stop? Want to buy a game for your cardboard box 360?"
and then I drive away.