tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-50525565227953363742024-02-08T01:49:09.097-08:00The Juile BlogJohn Morris Ross IVhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09727841228087969494noreply@blogger.comBlogger49125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5052556522795336374.post-77666652146551330622012-02-22T12:12:00.002-08:002012-02-22T12:16:59.630-08:00The Douche Bag JarMy boyfriend has two kids, a 10 year old boy and a 14 year old girl.<br />This has been interesting for me, to say the least.<br />The 10 year old is going through something lately where he just wants to be a JERK. He talks back, doesn't want to do anything but play video games...the whole works.<br />So I decided to start a new family rule, to help us learn to all respect each other.<br />Whenever someone disrespects someone else, they have to put a dollar in the jar. The douche bag jar. Then, whatever money has been collected will be used for family trips.<br />I announced this new rule last weekend, to which the 10 year old promptly responded, this is dumb. "You are the only person I know with this rule. And, I know like 300 people."<br /><br />Good for you. Are you a little dick to those 300 people too?<br /><br />he accused me of just wanting money. This kid...geez. But I've discovered an unintended benefit of the douche bag jar - next weekend when he's over, I'm putting in a 20 and beating his ass.Juliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17424251225549478104noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5052556522795336374.post-33060230081317089602011-09-26T17:36:00.001-07:002014-07-17T15:35:52.496-07:00BowringWhat are the odds of getting a lane next to two Asian midgets? <br />
They prefer to be called rittle people.Juliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17424251225549478104noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5052556522795336374.post-5650393745517690232011-07-23T17:42:00.000-07:002011-07-29T12:36:07.561-07:00Fucking socksThe intonation when you say "fucking" is so important.<div><br /></div><div>where are my fuckin socks?</div><div>where are my fuckin socks?</div><div><br /></div><div>my fuckin' friend vs my fuckin' friend.</div>Juliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17424251225549478104noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5052556522795336374.post-30303616052560561582011-07-03T23:42:00.001-07:002011-07-23T13:06:02.860-07:00Cheating on a bf, telling him; cheating on a diet, telling your broccoliJuliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17424251225549478104noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5052556522795336374.post-18415325242610229742011-05-13T12:02:00.000-07:002011-07-23T13:06:25.910-07:00Can't join the ArmyI used to want to be in the military. A lot. It was a dream of mine. I took the tests, was off the charts.<div><br /></div><div>they didn't want me.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>tags -<br /><div>All but the physical tests. I was off the charts on those too - because I was fat.</div></div><div><br /></div><div>They'll want you now, they really need people. Dude, I went in on September 12th and they didn't want me.</div>Juliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17424251225549478104noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5052556522795336374.post-59672826303627766602011-04-30T22:03:00.001-07:002011-07-29T12:36:25.945-07:00Compliment"telling you how to give a blow job is like telling Picasso how to paint."<div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>just don't tell my husband. not that I don't want him to know I'm cheating, I don't want him to know I give amazing blow jobs. He'll want more.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>Juliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17424251225549478104noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5052556522795336374.post-28312455079178609592011-03-28T18:18:00.000-07:002011-04-30T22:27:08.477-07:00Context CluesThere's a guy I work with and he always hears things wrong.<div>I don't know if he's hard of hearing, just doesn't pay attention, or what, but it happens pretty often.</div><div>So I'm trying to teach him to use context clues - to use the other words in the sentence, and his own knowledge, to figure out what someone is really saying. </div><div>Like, when my best friend is talking about her son and I think I hear her say "Owen" I know I heard it wrong and she's actually saying "Cohen" because that's her son's name. I use <i>context clues</i> to figure it out.</div><div>But this guy...he doesn't even try!</div><div>Like, the other day our friend said "I've worked here for 10 years."</div><div>Deaf guy thought she said "I cry green tears."</div><div>I was like "duuuuude....context clues! the context in this case being, that green tears don't exist. she said ANYTHING BUT that."<br /></div>Juliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17424251225549478104noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5052556522795336374.post-49867927562999928852011-03-09T12:15:00.001-08:002011-07-23T13:25:48.325-07:00Waitress doesn't seat me next to a guy, always seats him by the other girl. Why didn't you put his menu on my side is it cause I'm UGLY?Juliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17424251225549478104noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5052556522795336374.post-50242637949449773822011-02-24T10:02:00.000-08:002011-05-30T00:32:42.306-07:00Difference between younger and older guysI've noticed an interesting difference between younger and older guys when they have sex.<div>young guys spend kind of a lot of time getting undressed. More specifically, they spend a lot of time having you undress them. It's like they see their junk as a gift you're unwrapping...make you wait a little bit to get to it just to make the "wow" factor that much bigger.</div><div>old dudes though, they just strip down and jump into bed. They don't waste ANY time. They know it's a gamble that the girl can lose interest at any time, so once they get the "ok" they're all business.</div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; white-space: pre-wrap; ">so to get to that, we don't have time to give you the full tour , we want to get downtown before you decide to close the store on us</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; white-space: pre-wrap; "><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; white-space: pre-wrap; ">it's not "show time" it's "go time"</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; white-space: pre-wrap; "><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; white-space: pre-wrap; ">old junk is ugly, they don't want us to look.</span></div>Juliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17424251225549478104noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5052556522795336374.post-21713791158806928292011-02-19T21:39:00.001-08:002011-03-02T11:56:29.361-08:00Revenge on husband: leave him for a woman. He wants to be pissed but it's soooo hot.Juliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17424251225549478104noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5052556522795336374.post-52227242516084399022011-01-20T10:33:00.001-08:002011-01-20T10:33:51.514-08:00Affirmative action comedyI'll be your genital diversity for the evening...Juliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17424251225549478104noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5052556522795336374.post-39165654129569144502010-12-01T09:32:00.001-08:002010-12-01T09:34:06.913-08:00Julie Lite"No, I've always mostly liked you. I just didn't like that 50 lbs of you."Juliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17424251225549478104noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5052556522795336374.post-74906797802074618032010-12-01T08:15:00.001-08:002010-12-01T08:17:13.496-08:00No translationidea: words that don't get translated. <div>why is that funny? they don't need, or use, or want certain words in certain languages. or, there's no way to communicate a certain idea to a foreigner.<div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>examples:</div><div>supervision - no Spanish equivalent. why not?</div></div>Juliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17424251225549478104noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5052556522795336374.post-85656390056792049592010-12-01T08:13:00.001-08:002010-12-01T08:13:59.188-08:00The root of all evilActually, estrogen is the root of all evil.Juliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17424251225549478104noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5052556522795336374.post-43957642882227399052010-08-11T15:17:00.000-07:002011-07-29T12:37:24.861-07:00Why affairs are awesomeWhen you're someone's wife, you have to be beautiful, skinny, funny, smart, sexy, sweet, sensitive, a good housekeeper, a good cook, always in a good mood....<div><br /></div><div>when you're someone's mistress, all you have to be is not their wife.</div>Juliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17424251225549478104noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5052556522795336374.post-40924748299629619022010-07-21T17:45:00.001-07:002011-05-29T23:30:43.014-07:00Sun ChipsSun Chips now come in some "compostable" bag, that's so freaking crinkly and annoying.<div>I don't know who decided that just because I like Sun Chips that I give a shit about saving the planet.<div><br /></div></div>Juliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17424251225549478104noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5052556522795336374.post-6667955705028502152010-06-24T15:02:00.000-07:002011-07-29T12:39:44.172-07:00female facial hairmy facial hair has split ends. wtf do I do now?Juliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17424251225549478104noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5052556522795336374.post-84000442944961029382010-06-21T22:55:00.001-07:002010-06-21T22:55:23.296-07:00For MB/MJ joke: rock out with your socks off.Juliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17424251225549478104noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5052556522795336374.post-52193935791885765182010-06-18T13:52:00.000-07:002010-06-18T13:53:35.969-07:00Red-headed step childMy mom remarried when I was 5.<div>So, I've been a read-headed step child since 1988. Legally.</div>Juliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17424251225549478104noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5052556522795336374.post-14945030447741910152010-06-15T21:45:00.001-07:002010-06-15T21:45:38.095-07:00Making home videos always makes me nervous that my son is going to be killed by a drunk driverJuliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17424251225549478104noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5052556522795336374.post-53156766079656254222010-06-04T09:14:00.001-07:002011-05-29T23:32:11.256-07:00New subway sandwich: chicken, apples, cranberries, and 8 g of fat. <div>Like the fat is in one of those plastic serving containers next to the cranberries.</div><div><br /></div><div>Can I get that with extra fat?</div>Juliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17424251225549478104noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5052556522795336374.post-59901517984954718352010-05-30T23:45:00.000-07:002010-06-01T20:39:25.069-07:00Eye contactHey, you. yeah, you.<div>If you're going to stare, stare at these.</div><div>This is the best thing i've got going on right now.</div><div><br /></div>Juliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17424251225549478104noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5052556522795336374.post-46921435988471867372010-05-30T23:37:00.000-07:002010-06-01T20:39:25.075-07:00BrasWhy is it, when you have small boobs, it's fun to shop for a bra, but when you have large boobs, it's this terrible, time-consuming, heart-wrenching experience?<div>Bras as accessories (for small boobs) are so cute. Like, AA-B cups. </div><div>They're different colors, with lace and all that crap.</div><div>Bras that are FUNCTIONAL, as in, there will be an incident if I do not wear a bra, are ugly.</div><div>If I don't wear a bra...</div><div>They're all beige or white or black. And, they're kept in boxes.</div><div>Girls with big boobs know what I'm talking about.</div><div>You see a cute bra, you say, "aww, that's cute..."</div><div>what's the next thing out of your mouth?</div><div>"...and, it would cover my nipple. Next."</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>when I finally find one with a tag that says it's the right size, it's not over.</div><div>Somehow, most bras have this power to take nice, round boobs, and fashion them into torpedos. No thank you.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><div>I HATE fitting rooms...3 mirrors...holy hell.</div><div>So now I just make my son put a cup on his head. If it fits, I buy it.</div></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>Juliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17424251225549478104noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5052556522795336374.post-72701612532951059752010-05-30T23:35:00.000-07:002010-06-01T20:39:25.081-07:00Cookies?? No, burrito!I tried using the Chipotle app the other day, but I got a message that my browser does not support cookies.<div>I was like, "I don't care about cookies, I just want a delicious burrito!"</div>Juliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17424251225549478104noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5052556522795336374.post-66834737703316126382010-05-29T18:18:00.001-07:002010-06-01T20:39:25.086-07:00Black WiiGuys everywhere are wishing they had a black Wii.<div>And so are their girlfriends.</div><div><br /></div><div>They made an Asian Wii, it fits in your pocket.</div>Juliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17424251225549478104noreply@blogger.com0