The Douche Bag Jar

My boyfriend has two kids, a 10 year old boy and a 14 year old girl.
This has been interesting for me, to say the least.
The 10 year old is going through something lately where he just wants to be a JERK. He talks back, doesn't want to do anything but play video games...the whole works.
So I decided to start a new family rule, to help us learn to all respect each other.
Whenever someone disrespects someone else, they have to put a dollar in the jar. The douche bag jar. Then, whatever money has been collected will be used for family trips.
I announced this new rule last weekend, to which the 10 year old promptly responded, this is dumb. "You are the only person I know with this rule. And, I know like 300 people."

Good for you. Are you a little dick to those 300 people too?

he accused me of just wanting money. This kid...geez. But I've discovered an unintended benefit of the douche bag jar - next weekend when he's over, I'm putting in a 20 and beating his ass.

Bowring

What are the odds of getting a lane next to two Asian midgets?
They prefer to be called rittle people.

Fucking socks

The intonation when you say "fucking" is so important.

where are my fuckin socks?

where are my fuckin socks?

my fuckin' friend vs my fuckin' friend.

Cheating on a bf, telling him; cheating on a diet, telling your broccoli

Can't join the Army

I used to want to be in the military. A lot. It was a dream of mine. I took the tests, was off the charts.

they didn't want me.

tags -

All but the physical tests. I was off the charts on those too - because I was fat.

They'll want you now, they really need people. Dude, I went in on September 12th and they didn't want me.

Compliment

"telling you how to give a blow job is like telling Picasso how to paint."

just don't tell my husband. not that I don't want him to know I'm cheating, I don't want him to know I give amazing blow jobs. He'll want more.

Context Clues

There's a guy I work with and he always hears things wrong.

I don't know if he's hard of hearing, just doesn't pay attention, or what, but it happens pretty often.

So I'm trying to teach him to use context clues - to use the other words in the sentence, and his own knowledge, to figure out what someone is really saying.

Like, when my best friend is talking about her son and I think I hear her say "Owen" I know I heard it wrong and she's actually saying "Cohen" because that's her son's name. I use context clues to figure it out.

But this guy...he doesn't even try!

Like, the other day our friend said "I've worked here for 10 years."

Deaf guy thought she said "I cry green tears."

I was like "duuuuude....context clues! the context in this case being, that green tears don't exist. she said ANYTHING BUT that."