Comedy is a world of lies

To be successful in comedy, you must build a world of lies

this is why men tend to be more successful

part of intro - not many women in comedy. finally figured out why.

My incredible phone

I just got a new cellphone.

It's really cool, but it has a crappy name. It's called the "htc incredible."

I don't like telling people about it, because then I sound like a douche. (it's pretty tough for a girl to sound like a douche, btw. that's totally a guy thing. I wonder why? Maybe I'll start the "Girls are douches too" movement. because some of them are.)

If someone asks what kind of phone you have, do you really want to say, "I have an incredible phone."?

No.

It's more like, what kind of phone is that? (mumble) it's an incredible phone.

I had to get a new phone because my last one just didn't "get" me.

I would send texts, and that predictive thing, spellcheck would kick in.

sometimes, it would really impress me. I could type "wirj" and it knew I meant "work."

I could type "sprkk" and it knew I meant "spell."

I had an iphone, it was pretty cool. but it didn't "get" me. It had pretty good spell checking...like, if I messed up and typed "wirj" and then changed it to "work" it new I wanted to type "work" from then on.

But, whenever I meant to type "for" I would type f-i-r, and I'd always have to change it. After like the 2nd time, I was just like "I am not a lumberjack! I am never going to type a text about a fir! Freaking change it to for!"

So, I got a new phone.

Facebook

Today, I crossed a line.

I talked about Farmville, that game on facebook.

I actually verbalized things about the game.

one of my friends said she hadn't played in a while. THAT'S ok to talk about.

But then I blurted out - "Yeah, I saw your withered crops! And no, I didn't unwither them for you! You can't have my unwither!"

why does it feel so weird to talk about this game? do other people feel this?

TSA blog

I learned recently that the TSA has a blog.

The TSA is the Transportation Security Administration - the ones who handle all the security at airports. You know, make you take your shoes off...put all your stuff through the x-ray machine...make sure you've got a little baggy for any liquids you're taking.

Yeah - that organization has a BLOG.

Does this bother anybody else?

If they have time to blog, there must not be much of a security threat.

What the hell do they blog about, anyway?

"Today I made 50 passengers throw away unauthorized liquids LOL."

I don't know what their blog says, I don't read it. Know who reads it? Terrorists.

Helicopter plumbers

Have you guys been hearing the radio commercials for "helicopter plumbers"?

Yeah, sounds cool. I think that's going to go over real well... until they get their first customer.

Because I don't know...I don't have a landing pad at my house!

sometimes people just don't think things through...

(lead in to designate a sober driver/shake a baby)

Bitchy

Man, I've been bitchy lately. It's weird, I'm not used to it.

But, it's kind of nice. I usually hold everything in, I don't like to be rude or anything like that.

The people who've been getting the worst of it have been homeless people. Oh wait - the shelter impaired. Whatever.

When I'm in a bitchy mood, the thing that sets me off is people on the side of the road... with their signs.

Normally I just ignore them.

But not when I'm bitchy.

When I see someone with a sign that says "Anything will help." I roll up, I stop. I don't even care if the light is green.

I roll down my window and say, "Oh, anything will help? How about these guest passes to the gym? Want 'em? I'm not using them. How about a gift card to game stop? Want to buy a game for your cardboard box 360?"

and then I drive away.

who monitors US birth rates?

CDC (Centers for Disease control)

makes sense. pregnancy is a hell of a disease.

I got a killer STD. his name is Andrew.