female facial hair

my facial hair has split ends. wtf do I do now?

For MB/MJ joke: rock out with your socks off.

Red-headed step child

My mom remarried when I was 5.

So, I've been a read-headed step child since 1988. Legally.

Making home videos always makes me nervous that my son is going to be killed by a drunk driver

New subway sandwich: chicken, apples, cranberries, and 8 g of fat.

Like the fat is in one of those plastic serving containers next to the cranberries.

Can I get that with extra fat?

Eye contact

Hey, you. yeah, you.

If you're going to stare, stare at these.

This is the best thing i've got going on right now.

Bras

Why is it, when you have small boobs, it's fun to shop for a bra, but when you have large boobs, it's this terrible, time-consuming, heart-wrenching experience?

Bras as accessories (for small boobs) are so cute. Like, AA-B cups.

They're different colors, with lace and all that crap.

Bras that are FUNCTIONAL, as in, there will be an incident if I do not wear a bra, are ugly.

If I don't wear a bra...

They're all beige or white or black. And, they're kept in boxes.

Girls with big boobs know what I'm talking about.

You see a cute bra, you say, "aww, that's cute..."

what's the next thing out of your mouth?

"...and, it would cover my nipple. Next."

when I finally find one with a tag that says it's the right size, it's not over.

Somehow, most bras have this power to take nice, round boobs, and fashion them into torpedos. No thank you.

I HATE fitting rooms...3 mirrors...holy hell.

So now I just make my son put a cup on his head. If it fits, I buy it.