Fucking socks

The intonation when you say "fucking" is so important.

where are my fuckin socks?

where are my fuckin socks?

my fuckin' friend vs my fuckin' friend.

Compliment

"telling you how to give a blow job is like telling Picasso how to paint."

just don't tell my husband. not that I don't want him to know I'm cheating, I don't want him to know I give amazing blow jobs. He'll want more.

Why affairs are awesome

When you're someone's wife, you have to be beautiful, skinny, funny, smart, sexy, sweet, sensitive, a good housekeeper, a good cook, always in a good mood....

when you're someone's mistress, all you have to be is not their wife.

female facial hair

my facial hair has split ends. wtf do I do now?

How NOT to use a dating site

on dating sites, viewing profiles of people who have viewed you

seems like a great idea at first. but think it about it for 5 more seconds: these people viewed you, and didn't do anything. they don't like you. don't embarrass yourself.

Telling men (husbands) things

a man's head is like a woman's egg, the things we say are like sperm. most can't get in. they struggle desperately. when one finally makes it in, all the others die.

Comedy is a world of lies

To be successful in comedy, you must build a world of lies

this is why men tend to be more successful

part of intro - not many women in comedy. finally figured out why.

Vaccines/autism

I just got my dog vaccinated! the good news is he won't get rabies. the bad news is I think he might have autism.

Or

I got a citation the other day, because my dog doesn't have a rabies tag. That's not fair. I shouldn't have to get my dog vaccinated for rabies - I don't want him to get autism!

Popped Cherry/funny boss

My best friend and I like to have a game night every week...play board games, keep it old school...it's a lot of fun.
Well last week I had to bring my son with me, he's 4, so we had to think of a game that he could play too. My friend suggested a game, she said "Oh, I know a good game...what's it called? It's like for counting, kids really like it...'Who Popped My Cherry?"
I was like, "WHAT?!? Do you mean "Hi Ho Cheerio"?
Where do you buy your board games, Meghan?
Does that come in a bundle with Poop Chutes & Ladders and Connect 4-Play?

My son isn't coming over anymore.

But my friend, she's silly like that, she kind of mixes up phrases and stuff.
And, my boss is actually the same way, it's kind of weird.

Like, once she said "Let's not beat down the bushes."
I THINK that means "don't beat around the bush," but I can never be sure with her.

And I swear, the other day, she told me "We don't want to let the worms out of the can."
uhhh...ok. I'll make sure not to do that...even though I don't know what means.

Well, I decided to introduce my boss and my friend - you know, "popped my cherry" friend (oh, that came out wrong)...well, I took my friend to our company picnic, introduced them...I was like "Go, have a....language summit."

And they've actually hit it off. They're hanging out and stuff now. They're just like two peas in a bunch.

Sober driver/shake a baby

There's a new campaign out, aimed at us drinkers. You've probably seen the older one: Designate a Driver. Well, they've updated it. Now, it's "Designate a Sober Driver."

Really?

Were the people who actually took the time to designate a driver NOT taking that extra step to make sure the driver they chose was sober?

That logic is kind of crazy, you know, where they have to specify that the driver be sober.

But I'm starting to see it in other places, too.

Like at my son's preschool, there's a sticker that says: "Never shake a baby. Ever."

Do you think the first sticker said "Don't shake your baby."

So someone gave their baby to someone else to shake. and the sticker company was like "Dammit! Now we have to re-make the sticker!"

So they came up with "Don't shake A baby."

Was someone like, "'Don't shake a baby"...Oh, it's probably ok to do it once or twice."

So now they're at "Never shake a baby. Ever."

But you know what? it won't be long before some asshole comes along, reads the sticker and says "I'm gonna' shake TWO babies."

Mobile mammograms

I heard on the radio that Kaiser started this new program, to help prevent cancer - mobile mammograms. It's this bus that goes around so women can get their mammograms more easily. I call it "feels on wheels."
I don't think I'd really like to do that thought, it'd be kind of weird, like getting felt up in a parking lot, which I can totally do without paying a co-pay.