Compliment

"telling you how to give a blow job is like telling Picasso how to paint."

just don't tell my husband. not that I don't want him to know I'm cheating, I don't want him to know I give amazing blow jobs. He'll want more.

Julie Lite

"No, I've always mostly liked you. I just didn't like that 50 lbs of you."

Vaccines/autism

I just got my dog vaccinated! the good news is he won't get rabies. the bad news is I think he might have autism.

Or

I got a citation the other day, because my dog doesn't have a rabies tag. That's not fair. I shouldn't have to get my dog vaccinated for rabies - I don't want him to get autism!