Bowring

What are the odds of getting a lane next to two Asian midgets?
They prefer to be called rittle people.

Fucking socks

The intonation when you say "fucking" is so important.

where are my fuckin socks?

where are my fuckin socks?

my fuckin' friend vs my fuckin' friend.

Cheating on a bf, telling him; cheating on a diet, telling your broccoli

Can't join the Army

I used to want to be in the military. A lot. It was a dream of mine. I took the tests, was off the charts.

they didn't want me.

tags -

All but the physical tests. I was off the charts on those too - because I was fat.

They'll want you now, they really need people. Dude, I went in on September 12th and they didn't want me.

Compliment

"telling you how to give a blow job is like telling Picasso how to paint."

just don't tell my husband. not that I don't want him to know I'm cheating, I don't want him to know I give amazing blow jobs. He'll want more.

Context Clues

There's a guy I work with and he always hears things wrong.

I don't know if he's hard of hearing, just doesn't pay attention, or what, but it happens pretty often.

So I'm trying to teach him to use context clues - to use the other words in the sentence, and his own knowledge, to figure out what someone is really saying.

Like, when my best friend is talking about her son and I think I hear her say "Owen" I know I heard it wrong and she's actually saying "Cohen" because that's her son's name. I use context clues to figure it out.

But this guy...he doesn't even try!

Like, the other day our friend said "I've worked here for 10 years."

Deaf guy thought she said "I cry green tears."

I was like "duuuuude....context clues! the context in this case being, that green tears don't exist. she said ANYTHING BUT that."

Waitress doesn't seat me next to a guy, always seats him by the other girl. Why didn't you put his menu on my side is it cause I'm UGLY?

Difference between younger and older guys

I've noticed an interesting difference between younger and older guys when they have sex.

young guys spend kind of a lot of time getting undressed. More specifically, they spend a lot of time having you undress them. It's like they see their junk as a gift you're unwrapping...make you wait a little bit to get to it just to make the "wow" factor that much bigger.

old dudes though, they just strip down and jump into bed. They don't waste ANY time. They know it's a gamble that the girl can lose interest at any time, so once they get the "ok" they're all business.

so to get to that, we don't have time to give you the full tour , we want to get downtown before you decide to close the store on us

it's not "show time" it's "go time"

old junk is ugly, they don't want us to look.

Revenge on husband: leave him for a woman. He wants to be pissed but it's soooo hot.

Affirmative action comedy

I'll be your genital diversity for the evening...